Understanding Gaslighting: Defining the Concept and What it Means for Your Relationship

While the Internet is a great place, the trouble is that “Dr. Google” is full of misinformation. Because of this, there can often be confusion about the important topics of mental health. Trendy words like “Narcissism”, “Sociopath”, “OCD”, “Neurodivergent”, and “Gaslighting” are commonly seen but often not defined by a licensed therapist who can give context and a broader understanding. Given that we at TherapyCloud are seeking to offer helpful resources from licensed therapists to help advance the world’s mental health, we will start with defining one of these terms. You can also sign up for our newsletter here to stay informed with accurate information from our trusted, licensed therapist on all sorts of topics related to mental health. 

“Gaslighting” is the intentional attempt to trigger a person’s defensiveness or guilt in order to detract from one’s own responsibility. It is not simply someone being mean or saying something that you do not agree with. It is a form of manipulation commonly used by those who are (at least verbally) abusive. 

While someone gaslighting another person doesn’t automatically mean they are abusive, it certainly is not a healthy method of communication. It is often used in domestic violence relationships to encourage the victim to stay by blaming them for the mistreatment. This causes them to second guess if they really are the cause of their partner’s mistreatment. This may sound something like “If you just listened to me, I wouldn’t have to hit you”.

However, gaslighting can also be more insidious. And, it doesn’t have to occur between intimate partners. Let’s use an example of an estranged mother and daughter. Let’s say that a daughter has felt that her mother has focused too much on her weight throughout her life, encouraging her to lose weight or implying that people are only attractive if they are skinny. Let’s say this same daughter also acknowledges that she was a “troubled teen” and had intense expressions of anger that contributed to their estrangement.

Let’s say this same mother and daughter pair has agreed to try to reconcile. However, the mother intentionally makes a comment to the daughter’s child that implies the child needs to lose weight. So, the daughter loses her temper. The mother then responds with “See, your anger is at the surface all the time. If you just didn’t take things so personally, things would be fine between us. You said you were going to work on yourself and I knew you wouldn’t do it. As always, you’re blaming me.”

Regardless of specific circumstances, the key in understanding gaslighting is the intention. Sure, the daughter may have yelled. But, the mother’s intention was to get her riled up. Similarly, the abusive partner may “justify” their violence (whether physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, or financial) by blaming the other person for how they are acting toward them. But, the reminder here is that each of us are responsible for our own behavior, including what we say. 

At the end of the day, if you do or say something hurtful to someone, you are not setting up the interaction (or relationship, for that matter), for success. And, that in a nutshell is a gaslighting definition: setting up someone else to fail.